Talking with Hydrangea
by Dali De Memoria
Summary: It's precipitating. It's falling from the gray skies that stretch to the ends of the world and seems to engulf ever corner of your periphery. Cloud couldn't explain it even if he wanted to. And the others couldn't do any better... humor.angst.life.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This is a product of extreme boredom and angst. So, here's the gist of it: It's just a big hodgepodge of events that contains possibly any, if not all, characters that has been spawned from Square Enix Studio. Enjoy. Don't complain to me about OOC or any such nonsense, for I shall ignore you and think less of you as a person for not heeding my warning.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

* * *

We were sitting in Reno's car listening to Polka music. It was sufficient to say, the guy was on a ball rolling downhill with nowhere up to go. "Reno…" I began slowly over the upbeat rhythm of a particular accordion solo, "You should get a girlfriend." He stared at me blankly. "Naw. I'm fine, dude. I'm good." His voice hesitated as he said 'good' while his eyes drifted over to the sun-damaged dashboard of his beat-up corolla. 

"Reno…" I began again, "Your name is a geographical location, you're Axel's older brother, and you haven't gotten laid in six months. Your brother has more game than you… and he's a pyromaniac, who's about as straight as a circle."

"Hey! You know, if you look at a segment of the circle, technically it's a line," Reno said defensively.

"Yeah, and if we look back on your past failed romances, all three counting, your chances of getting laid is technically zip," I said matter-of-factly.

"You're harsh." A petulant pout graced his face.

"We're sitting in your car listening to motherfucking polka music, there's no room for sympathy anymore. It's time for some drastic measures."

"Have you considered homosexuality as an option?" I asked carefully, posing the question in an inquisitive manner, hoping to all the gods that my face was straight and lacked the mirth that threatened to explode all over the windshield. Sometimes I wished I had inherited some of that stoicism that my family possesses. But at the moment I had to settle with biting down on my bottom lip as hard as possible to prevent myself from laughing with pure, unadulterated glee.

Of course the response to my question was a look of utter horror from Reno. I sighed with a roll of my eyes. "I mean, you haven't thought about it." I pointed out. "All of the past three relationships you've had ended in disaster. And you said so yourself that the best thing that happened to you out of those three affairs was one of your girlfriend turning lesbian. Maybe it's time to give up the fairer sex." I said with a shrug.

"But GAY?!" Reno asked dubiously. If his eyes were any bigger the demon-spawn of a pug that lived in my apartment complex could have been put to shame. "Look, I know this is a big shock to you, but anal sex isn't all that bad." I said reassuringly. Though I'm sure Reno was in no way reassured, as a matter of fact, he looked as though he was about to upchuck in his already barf-smelling car. "I've never partake in said activities, but I hear it is quite pleasurable. And if you ever need help you can always peruse your brother's vast and extensive collection of… raw materials." I said slowly and carefully, dragging out the syllables so Reno's plebeian mind wouldn't have an aneurysm.

Blank stares followed my statement.

"Ok, get out." He said whilst opening the car door on my side. Hot night air assaulted me as the car door swung open. "I'm trying to help you here." I said irritably, reaching to close the door. "No, you're trying to convert me to unholy activities that would have my father rolling in his cheap ply-wood casket." He snapped back hotly. I snorted with as much derision as my sarcastic little body could muster. "Yeah, since when did your minimum-waged, pizza-delivering ass believe in anything else spiritual besides a good tip."

"I'll have you know, those tips are my gas money! Just be glad I don't make you pay me for driving your fat, ugly butt around!" The petulant expression returned. I sighed for the umpteenth time again. This was worst than the time I made him sit through "How to lose a guy in ten days." Despite the fact that it was a chick flick, the film still had its redeeming values. Like the whole love fern thing, that was such a cute idea. I even pitched it to Axel when he and Roxas got into a fight. Of course the kid looked at me like the CIA had slipped some LSD into my drink mistaking it for Fidel Castro's. Honestly, how many times have they attempted to assassinate the guy? He's on his deathbed and I'm sure they're still trying to send him some chocolates filled with heavy pesticides.

I can just imagine it now: a neat little red box wrapped up in golden stain ribbons (because it's commie colors) with a get-well/greeting card signed "Love, the CIA" arriving at the poor dying man's bedside. But I digress.

"Reno…" I began, yet again, but I guess he finally caught on, because he cut me off at his name. "Cloud, I really appreciate this, but it's getting us nowhere. I mean talking to you is depressing the hell out of me. It makes me want to go home and hug my dog and cry into the linoleum floor." He said exasperatedly. After a couple of minutes of silence, which was basically us tracing the outlines of his hideous maroon-ish dashboard with our eyes, my voice broke through the vacuum of his self-pitying grief.

"That's sad," I said quietly.

"I know," he retorted shortly.

"I mean, linoleum? What the hell is with the retro-chic 60's plastic kitchen look? You should invest in remodeling. Maybe it'll help you get girls… or guys." I supplied helpfully.

"Ok, that's it. Seriously this time, get the fuck out." He said, pointing at my door. His face was dead-on serious. A glance at his serious face had me bursting out in laughter. Reno always did look constipated when he attempts to look serious.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: This is a product of extreme boredom and angst. So, here's the gist of it: It's just a big hodgepodge of events that contains possibly any, if not all, characters that has been spawned from Square Enix Studio. Enjoy. Don't complain to me about OOC or any such nonsense, for I shall ignore you and think less of you as a person for not heeding my warning.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

* * *

It was like sticking a pink crayon up your nose. One of those awkward and inevitable childhood moments that make for great laughs 20 years down the road, but is nonetheless painstakingly discomforting initially. She didn't really intend for the impromptu argument to break out over a simple little question, but that didn't stop the argument from escalating further.

"Whass a p'nis?" her bottom lip quivered out the question, as her eyes grew epically larger in semblance to the action puppies take when kicked in the face.

Laguna coughed erratically. "What's that honey?"

"A p'nis. Whass ish it?" She asked quietly, but this time with a renewal insistence.

"Well, ahhh… I-i-it's ummm.." Laguna's stuttering really didn't help the matter. Nor did the stalling.

"It's a phallic shape instrument used in a copulative manner for the purpose of pleasure and procreation, though frequently it is utilized for the former." Sephiroth broke in without skipping a beat.

"What the hell kind of explanation is that Seph? She's four years old for gods' sakes." Laguna whispered heatedly into the fair-haired man's direction.

Blank stares met with the angered expression.

"I gave a perfectly reasonable answer to the child's question."

"You! You keep your stupid cock-a-mammy answers to yourself!" Laguna whispered back.

"The child can hear you. That defeats the purpose of your whispering." Came the deadpanned reply.

"It does not! And she can hear YOU!" Laguna spat back.

Ignoring Sephiroth's snort of derision, Laguna plastered on his best smile and turn to Ellone. "Honey, a penis is a little wee-wee that boys have."

"A wee-wee?" Her eyebrows furrowed in attempt to understand the concept of the "wee-wee."

"Yes darling, a wee-wee." Laguna reiterated with a sage nod of his head.

"This is ridiculous." Sephiroth muttered under his breathe as he made his way to the door.

"And where do you think you're going?" The ever-present testiness that appeared only in conversations with Sephiroth reared its ugly head as Laguna crossed his arms over his proffered chest.

"Away. From you and your redundantly inadequate explanation on human genitalial."

"Hey, I think I gave a perfectly good explanation." Came the haughty reply.

"Yes, that was completely and utterly sufficient in explaining to your four year old daughter how the human sex organs work. So, when she grows up to be a misguided and hormonal fourteen year old she'll know what to do her partner's "wee-wee," as you've put it, and the rest of her adult life wouldn't be wholly affected by the misinformation you have been feeding her throughout her adolescence."

"That was the most I've heard you say since you decided that I'm too stupid to waste anything more than a monosyllable on." Laguna replied scathingly, albeit with a hint of awe.

Another snort pervaded the air. "Yes, well all the Valium in the world helps me forget I'm your, heaven forbid, friend. And the Zoloft helps with the depression that accompanies that thought."

The remark was answered by a long moment of silence between the two men and the forgotten little girl.

"I don't even remember what we were arguing about anymore." Laguna said blinkingly.

"…"

"So, a p'nis ish a wee-wee?"


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: This is a product of extreme boredom and angst. So, here's the gist of it: It's just a big hodgepodge of events that contains possibly any, if not all, characters that has been spawned from Square Enix Studio. Enjoy. Don't complain to me about OOC or any such nonsense, for I shall ignore you and think less of you as a person for not heeding my warning.

**P.S. Thanks to Lumi75. You are awesome =]**

Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.

* * *

Squall "It's Leon dammit" Leonhart didn't take shit from nobody. And despite the fact that the previous statement was grammatically incorrect, Squall felt that it served the purpose of conveying his non-shit-taking attitude to the world. So when his biological father confronted him with the task of caring for his younger (non-biological) little sister, Squall felt that it was time to uphold his no-can-do attitude and establish a firm standing point against being pushed around like a little bitch.

"Squall, I really need you to look after Ellone for the afternoon." Laguna said hurriedly as he rushed about trying to gather his belongings and whatever else his scatter-brained self had left lying around to rot into time.

"It's Leon." Squall replied sulkily and quietly.

"Squall, don't be a little brat. Watch your little sister."

"Leon."

"Squall, you're not being reasonable. Don't make me ground you again."

"Fucking Leon. Am 18." Came the grumbling.

"Don't make me cut you off, young man. Squall, Are you even listening?"

"I said my name is fucking Leon." Squall said a little louder through gritted teeth. Nevertheless, it was futile due to the noises caused by Laguna's excursion into the depths of the cupboard for his car keys.

"Squall, really, I'm tired of you ignoring me. Don't make me call Kiros over."

"I SAID MY NAME IS FUCKING LEON!" Squall really didn't know why his usual mask of coldness broke, but something about Laguna's constant nagging always managed to break through the iceberg that's supposed to pass off for a human façade.

"Squall… watch Ellone."

And with that, the older man left, leaving behind a faint whisper of "It's Leon, dammit…" scattered across the particles of invisible air soon to be converted into carbon dioxide.


End file.
